One definition of
shyness is "having difficulty in creating a good rapport with the people
one meets."
For some people,
the problem of shyness may simply be having trouble thinking of things to say
in social situations. For others, it may involve crippling physical
manifestations of uneasiness. For most, shyness involves a combination of both
symptoms to a greater or lesser degree. In any event, the effects of shyness
can be devastating.
Behaviors that
come spontaneously for the average person (smiling, thinking of suitable
conversational topics, assuming a relaxed posture, making good eye-contact,
etc.) may simply not be an inherent part of the shy person's makeup.
Another problem of
shyness is that shy people may not know how to behave in certain situations.
Wrote Dr. Phillip G. Zimbardo, one of the country's foremost authorities on the
subject of shyness, "Some don't have the social skills necessary for
keeping the machinery of human relationships functioning smoothly. They don't
know how to start a conversation or ask for a raise or speak up in class."
Thus, there's more
to shyness than merely not knowing what to say. The severely shy may find it
difficult to do something as simple as smile and say "hello" to
someone. If they don't tend to smile easily, they may be afraid to
"force" a smile out of the subconscious fear that it will be seen as
"phony" by others.
Also, if a shy
person does not have an easy smile or a ready laugh, he may be viewed as overly
serious, even humorless. According to The Single's Almanac by Jeffrey Ullman,
(1986, World Almanac Publications,) the first thing women look at in men is the
smile and the laugh. (A comparable predisposition is reported in men's
judgments of women.)
Now let's look at
some of the behavioral components of shyness:
Anxiety or lack of
self-confidence around other people;
Difficulty
thinking of things to say in conversation;
Lack of knowledge
of expected modes of behavior for various social situations;
Absence of
outgoing mannerisms such as good eye contact, an easy smile, a relaxed posture,
and so forth.
Further, the
element of willpower (or the lack of it) enters into the picture. The shy
person must sometimes force himself to do such things as go to a party or to
strike up a conversation with a classmate. These, for the shy person, can
require a tremendous amount of effort.
Also, sometimes
shyness can be much like a phobia-an irrational fear that cripples our
behavior. We know it's foolish to be afraid of people. We know that people are
more inclined to like us if we're relaxed and cheerful than if we're awkward or
clumsy. Still, we seem to be predisposed somehow to behave in a certain way.
Though the fear that accompanies a "true" phobia is usually more
extreme than the fear that accompanies shyness, there do seem to be common
elements. (There is even such a thing as a true phobia of other people; it's
called anthrophobia.)
