Give your child regular feedback about his off-putting
habits and behavior. The younger your child is, the easier it will be for you
to give him guidance on how to be accepted by others. As children approach the
middle-school years, they are much less receptive to your input unless you've
worked hard to develop an easy rapport with them. Even if you do have such a
relationship, you will probably have to wait for a cue from her to bring up
what may be a delicate subject. "There's a fine line between reminding
your child of what's appropriate and nagging,"
Here are some of some of the biggest turn-offs both to peers
and their parents, and, more importantly, how to state a reminder in positive,
helpful language. Target one or two behaviors at a time for change.
Monopolizing conversations; always talking about yourself.
Positive reminder: "Listen to what others have to say and ask them
questions about themselves."
- Talking too loudly. Positive reminder: "Practice turning down your volume."
- Making too many negative comments or put-downs. Positive reminder: "Don't say anything if you can't think of something positive to say. Compliment others when they do well."
- Getting mad when others won't do things your way. Positive reminder: "Be willing to listen to and try out other people's ideas."
- Bad table manners. Positive reminder: "Practice good manners at home so that you do them automatically when you're with people other than your family."
Have your child participate in a supervised social skills
group. These groups provide a safe setting for children to practice new
behaviors and get feedback from their peers about how successfully they do it.
Therapists (usually speech/language therapists, family therapists, or
psychologists) use a variety of structured and unstructured activities to coach
participants in appropriate behavior.
"Social skill groups help children develop a repertoire
of behavior and language skills through repetition," says Dr. Brentar, the
psychologist. "Kids whose social skill problems are emotionally based can
usually make great progress over the course of a year, while those with
learning differences often stay in groups up to two years," he says.
How can you judge whether your child is a candidate for such
a group? He may be if:
He complains that he has no friends.
He is not invited to birthday parties and social events with
classmates and neighborhood children.
He is withdrawn and spends a lot of time by himself (and
would prefer to be with peers).
He has as difficulty participating in team sports or group
activities.
He has social difficulties in the classroom (as reported by
the teacher).
He complains that classmates won't include him in recess
activities, bully him, or ignore him.
He resents or won't listen to your suggestions (which often
occurs when children begin to feel more independent, at the age of nine, ten,
or older
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