As we learn communication during
our school years we experience many speech classes and writing classes. But how
many have ever taken a class on listening?
I haven't taken time to dig up
any official research on the monetary losses due to poor listening skills (if
any even exist), but I can tell you I've seen hundreds of thousands of dollars
- and even millions - go down the drain simply due to poor listening.
Because listening is so vital to
workplace success, let's look at seven "sins" that get in the way of
good verbal communication. After that, we'll examine a couple of steps for
effective listening.
Sin #1: Filtering
This is when a person's mind is
sifting through another's words and tuning in only when he or she hears
agreement. Commonly, a Filterer replies to someone else's statements with
"yeah, but…."
Sin #2: Second Guessing
Someone who is second guessing
usually misses important details because they are too busy (a) imagining
someone has hidden motives for saying what they're saying, and (b) trying to
figure out what those hidden motives might be.
Sin #3: Discounting
This sin occurs when a listener
lacks respect for a speaker. What the speaker is saying could be 100% dead on
correct, but a Discounter will either internally or publicly scoff at what's
being said, for any number of reasons. The sad thing about Discounters is that
they often miss the solutions to the problems before them, simply because they
don't like the source.
A milder form of discounting
occurs when content is brushed off just because the person speaking is not a
good speaker.
Sin #4: Relating
A Relater is someone who
continually finds references from his or her own background and compares them
to what the speaker is saying. Relaters often appear self - centered, as
everything they hear is publicly compared or contrasted to his or her own
experiences.
Sin #5: Rehearsing
This sin blocks much listening as
it is simply waiting for the other speaker to finish what he or she is saying
so the Rehearser can start talking again. While someone else is talking, the
Rehearser is thinking about how to say the next sentence.
Different from the Filterer in
that the other party may actually be agreeing with the Rehearser, but any words
other than the Rehearser's own are just noise.
Sin #6: Forecasting
Someone who takes an idea from
the speaker and runs light years ahead of the topic at hand is forecasting.
Forecasting can stem from being bored with the subject matter, or simply because
one's mind automatically thinks ahead.
Sin #7: Placating
One of the worst of all listening
sins, placating agrees with everything anyone else says, just to avoid
conflict.
To truly understand someone
requires purpose of heart. It's a mental goal.
Management guru Stephen Covey
differentiates listeners as those listening with the intent to reply, and those
listening with the intent to understand.
To truly understand someone
requires purpose of heart. It's a mental goal. Understanding must be a target -
an objective. Think about it: Without truly understanding another's point of
view, differences of understanding cannot be ironed out effectively, and
communication clarity gets lost.
With this in mind, it's comforting to know
that learning a few simple steps takes us miles ahead in terms of effective
communication.
But beware: These steps alone are
only techniques. They will be effective only when based in a sincere desire to
understand.
This must be born out of a
realization that we don't have all the answers, that others' perspectives bring
value, and that if we don't consider other points of view, we aren't getting
the entire picture.
Step One: Focus on
the other person. Totally. Put your own thoughts and feelings aside. If need
be, say to yourself, "I want to understand what this person is
saying," and then listen with a focus to understand.
This can be risky, because you
might hear something that counters your own perspective, and that can be
uncomfortable.
When you truly focus on another
person, you'll pick up nuances; the thoughts and feelings surrounding their
words. You'll get more of the big picture that's inside their head.
This requires we turn off
filters; respect another's opinion (out of principle, if nothing else); try to
understand a person's words from his or her own experiences, not from our own;
trust that our own thoughts will form in enough time after we understand so we
don't have to rehearse them; and stay in the moment—the most effective place we
can be right now.
Step Two: Restate
the other person's ideas using our own words—out loud—if communications have
gotten muddled or conflicted. If we can paraphrase another person, we
accomplish two things: A) We demonstrate that we truly understand. B) The other
party can know that we do, in fact, understand.
Note that "agreement"
is not part of these steps. Paraphrasing does not mean agreeing. But also note
that step two must be done objectively, without mocking or ridicule in anyway
if you disagree. It's okay to have conflicting opinions. What's damaging are
personal digs that break down teamwork.
Purposed listening eliminates
second guessing and much misunderstanding. But again—you have to want to
understand.
With understanding you can move
mountains. Without it, you're missing the mark, and not really listening.
By Dan Bobinski - is the President and
CEO of Leadership Development, Inc., a US-based organisation that provides
human resource training and development to small, medium, and large businesses,
and whose mission is to enhance and refine management and leadership skills for
greater productivity, effectiveness, and profitability. A certified behavioral
analyst, Dan is a popular keynote speaker, presenting at regional and national
conferences. He is co-author of Living Toad Free: Overcoming Resistance to
Motivation, a book about removing obstacles to success.
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